Kiteflyer’s Hill

-BANG, THE ABYSSAL & ALONG WITH THE HEART

Like a muscular inflated bag,
My heart can only stretch this much.
It’s ringing loud, tingling, of your nag,
Of how we split our coffee & ate cookies with fudge.

The stars have been holding you,
They steal & are timed to explode to the black hole
The moon does not bring me far to you,
Blinding light & loudness unbearable by the soul,
You’re gone along with the black abyss
& Time did nothing but further the fall & hells.

A watery stain fills my shirt,
It soaks up everything from head to toe.
I laugh as this spill now comes from me.
I’m flooding inside out, i’m loosing it.
I feel light but my soul is being en strangled
By these inner demons that have invited their friend.
Scream,
“Come back to me.”

What have been left

Broken bottles, a radio playing the words ‘there.. there… there.. there…’ over & over again, take-away boxes-empty & cold, an uncapped black pen with ink leaking. I’m fighting my inner demons & the outer ones that have intruded into my life when I had just thought that I was conquering or at least progressing. I do want to resign to fate because fighting on is disheartening & disrespected.
So don’t ask me why i’m acting like a dump these days because you don’t know how the demons i’m fighting, have manifested into this great get tho of impending haunts of anxiety, worry, frustration, insecurity & dismay.

But yet again, i’m not going to give up & succumb to what I think i’ve been thought to be because it’ll only be unjust-able & regrettable.

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.”

Not the end, But rather the start

Today marks the end of the mid-yr exams but I don’t get this surge of excitement or happiness. Mainly due to the fact that I found Chinese paper 2 Extremely tough though everyone found the passages relatively do-able & easy & it was also due to my splitting headache & my partial fever.
Soccer training was a test of our skills. I think my stamina is HORRENDOUS though i’ve ran during the holidays & thought I did push myself & played small sided games.
Met Debbie at Parkway thereafter. Oh how I miss her & I feel so guilty for not writing her letters on time or keeping much a contact with her after she moved from HongKong to America. DEBBIE I MISS YOU! We talked about the good old times we had, &ate Japanese Food at some restaurant until we were bursting. I really miss her but we have a good plan of what will happen when we grow up.
—————-

Coach asked us whether we had the desire to improve myself. I had this sudden hesitant feeling to raise my hand. I had this conflict that played continuously in my mind: I really do do desire to improve, I think I did try hard but did I actually try hard enough? Did I not keep to my resolution to run at least 5times a week to build up stamina, just because I was so far behind in studies? Perhaps I didn’t manage my time well, perhaps my stamina is all that only, perhaps I should just try much much harder, perhaps my ‘trying harder’ is not trying the hardest cause I haven’t experienced it yet.
I keep feeling as if I let down many people, i’ve disappointed many people. Perhaps I just need to know i’m doing the right thing & i’m on the right path.